12

if every pine tree looks as dead as the other,how will i know if ive walked at all? or if ive stayed at all. was this where i slept?

this is where i slept. carved an X on the trunk i rested my head on, this is where im supposed to be.im okay. imokayimokayimokay i didnt lose myself again.

theres a certain restlessness to these barrens. i feel it more than i know it, i lived it. there are dreams that ive buried here, before i forgot about this place,i just cant find them.

but i always found myself back here in the middle of the night,10 years ago. 

10 years ago, and the 10 times i shouldve died,

i was knocking at my fathers door.

who brought me home?

i like to think it were them but 

i cant recall anything holy or alive striding the dirt, other than my own desperation. was lost and i forgot how to pray. all i knew was running,walking, falling.

theres no way. no way. 

ill keep wandering til the dreams find me. 

(as i keep wondering where he would be.)

8

a dying ochre lights my way 

through pointed trees that lead astray.

the hot wax drips down my fingers, 

and burns the skin like golden splinters,

but in the midst of cold darkness

our mothlikeness are drawn to warm halos.

i rememeber waking alone

away from my bed

away from my house 

away from my head

and i rememeber chasing for angels in these barrens

to keep them in my jar, where divine fireflies 

would guide me in the dark.

they come to me in a yellow compass.

its getting colder, 

and im getting sicker,

and im wondering where he would be.

or if i will wake up in my childhood home

5

its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold for a forest without leaves its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold for a house without leaves its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its familiar cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold its cold

its a chill i cant map out

other than the ways it would wander round my back.

a ghosts caress, the wind whispers to me,

i can only understand this through 

a deja vu.

my head is humming.

day 2

driving south but it feels like i have walked it. to or away from the pine barrens

so uneasy. as though i am asleep again

day 2

morning birds make early birds. both birds watch the sunrise in the vast greenery. or lack thereof, theyve faded into an umber, muted meadow. here the wooden closet takes up most of Narnia. 

very tall up here, never made it back then.glory to the soon coming king. the little man would be proud. 

even more rocks that stack like canyons.i was more of a collector, though. id make wishes and throw them down the old well.

huh.the foxes are less red, less haunting compared to my dreams

day 1

i remember having to stretch my arms to reach the sign. now i stand past it.

when i look up, the dry branches make cracks in the pane skies.

theyre as grey as it was then. still so far away, i wonder if its because of how fragile they are.

so untouchable.

the lingering feeling that the heavens will split and reveal 

bluer praires, or a cowardly god

doesnt go away.

entry 9

i have proposed a solo adventure for the next week as some sort of closing for the summer break... i call it, "The Ultimate Search for The Man" (tomatotomatotomatoooo). pffft ill rename it better when i can but ive got to make sure it exists first, then fix it later. anyways, ive been planning this trip for a good while, and i cant lie im pretty hyped up.

its going to be a full week trip in new jersey.ive never been out for this long, but my parents dont seem to mind. theyre fine with whatever i do, i think they dont even take a peek at what i do. with my long lists of plans and/or mischief, awards and/or failures, reason and/or passion,aslong as i go through with the only thing they ask of me then theyd give me the okay. one isnt much,you might think, but the implications bear past my shoulders.niBhO3qGeGE?si=M0wBGk99IaKz2B5H

sorry about that.NJ is this distant place i spent a quarter of my childhood passing by. the memories, they flicker in my head.i see that state in an autumn lit street, followed by hollowed out creeks, the blood foxes hunkering behind bloodless cedar stands... theyre all very misty in my head. something has always stopped me from revisiting the place,maybe ive simply forgotten/never got the chance to come by,but the thought crosses by sometimes. its about time,right? if i can be fully honest, the whole "The Man" thing is just a side project for this adventure. whats more important is to follow where my hearts compass points to, and what it makes my feet move towards,which right now is the past (about to be brought alive!) i mean... dont get me wrong, "The Man" is still important, but hes not the main aim of what im doing. hes something i look out for and keep an eye on while i can. and i know what to look for. yeah, yeah, no cameras no flashy things either. 

one thing i should thank "The Man" for, is for being the trigger for this trip.NJ hasnt crossed my mind at all lately until him.so one way or another, i guess its still about him.

heres the plan: 

- baldpate mtn. (2 days)

day 1: arive at the fiddlers creek road trailhead, hike up through the blue trail. investigate past the stone walls, by the rocky incline 

*set up camp at the shelter or stay nearby

day 2: early morning watch at the summit meadow and delaware river overlook. descend back to the car at approx 3 or 4

-> ~60 miles (US-206 S), ~1 hr 15 min

- pine barrens (2 days)

day 3 & 4: full exploration in the deep woods, explore batsto village 

*quite sandy...

-> ~137 miles (grden state pkwy N), ~2 hr 15 min

- clinton road (1 day)

day 5: night travel through the dense woods, little haunted road trip for about a 10 mile stretch. keep dashcam on

-> ~26 miles (NJ-23 N), ~35 min

- DWG & high point state park (2 days)

day 6: DWG

day 7: high point state park

clothes are tucked in (i remembered to bring extra socks but i had to sacrifice the pringles). my sketchbook and a handful of pens slipped between the map and my compass. matches, candles, first-aid kit, food and water are all wherever they could fit. the bag has been sitting at the edge of my bed for four days, ive only been waiting for the rain to be a little kinder until today. todays the day, i feel like. i didnt ask Valentine to come with though, which is going to be stupid of me to go alone,but hey.if i came here with someone else, i think id end up making new memories instead of finding the old ones. finding the old ones,its all i was ever good at anyway.but this ones mine to relive.