entry 8: the search

 

                                starts today

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I have guided children, lovers, and escapists towards the unjust fires of Hell. I have read thousands of intimate poetry that they slip in their mouthed invocations. Lips like theirs so full of feeling, so full of myself that they rebel against my judgement. Are they mine to move, or theirs? I am banished for feeling anything at all.  

It can't come quickly enough.¹

All I ask is for your forgiveness in every one of your deaths.

entry 7: rain

its been raining veryyy heavily the past week, so connections a little flimsy and i barely could blog on here,apologies. i havent went outside much either because of this cold-soak weather thatd bypass all my layers of clothing with wetness and icy breeze.

so what is it that i have been up to these days? well im either at Gabriels, pacing in my own home, or browsing the internet for a new rabbit hole to fall into. though i also find myself doing the last two at the other dudes place. Gabs' place warms me, like a fireplace i hover my palms over, or is it the natural presence that the family brings, but i spend my time there more often than not. 

speaking of rabbit holes, we got into a call with another friend of ours, Valentine, and she told me specifically that i shouldnt be using the circle-cross symbol as my trail marker during my trips. said im manifesting this 15 feet tall man who lurks in the woods and crouches in darkness,you might even mistake him for a tree. very appalachianesque.of all people, im not surprised that these kind of things leaves her lips, shes kind of known for stringing red conspiracies in a board and have people nodding rather than arguing. like they do,i mostly shrug her off, but this one particularly interested me. i guess it was the boredom catching up to me, not being able to go out and all, or maybe trips lately have started feeling the same,but i spent a few days looking into this... entity. heres what i found:

1. it goes by different names. lets call him The Man

2. some say its an egyptian god or an eldritch being, whatever it is, it has a following 

3. video/audio distortion or any kind of electrical malfunction signifies that its near

4. faceless (thats what the symbols supposed to represent apparently), wears a black suit, portrayed with lovecraftianlike tentacles 

ive explored places for years now and not once have i ever encountered this thing. which is exactly why i couldnt stop thinking about it. i mean, people always ask if ive seen Bigfoot,ghosts, skinwalkers or some shit the internets obsessing over that month. i havent, and theyve never interested me either, but The Man is different. its presence is shrouded in mystery, it doesnt have a clear story or much of a background. all you see is its "evil" more than what it actually is,its anything the people want it to be, and that in itself makes it a reflection of us and our fears. makes me wonder, yknow

can i find my own The Man? or better, the real one?

entry 6: bridge

the little expedition in oakwood continues from the last ruin i encountered. i had Gabriel tag along with me today,even though he preffered to dwell in his hobbit hole of a bedroom. its practically hibernating season every day for him,so being a good friend, i introduced the hermit to a little bit of life these days. its been awhile since we go out like this together,usually we settle at base camp (his house haha) or the church three blocks from his house. 

mmm,the camping trip (and only trip) i proposed a year ago mighttt not go as well as planned, but hey,he now knows how to set up a tent. and build a fireplace. 

the terrain was kinder this time. the dirt thudded,crunched beneath us, the green margins bringing more wind than drops of water,i deem it walkable. minus the mounting twigs that i had to kick away,but like how i found that ruin, i thought that the more things get in the way,it will lead us to something hidden, something great. diamonds,they only spawn in the deep underground.

Gabs had noticed something i didnt,not even the last time was here:

the birds were mute. they were there, either looking down at us or in our way, but they didnt chirp. their wings left no feather when they flapped away.bushes that would usually shake from some animal skittering or something were quite still. our footsteps and his panting were the only things making a presence.

after an hour, luckily,it did lead us somewhere. a bridge of sorts held together by old stone, pockmarked until nature will fill the pits in. into a well or a garden, we dont know until someone lives long enough to tell. thougheven when the mortar had likely ashened to dust, it refused to fully crumble over the weight of time. it still served its purpose despite it all, as a herald for passer bys like us. for the lost, like how little we actually know about this place. only the trees behind and ahead, to left and right, have the answers. i would continue searching,but Gabs called it quits up to this point. he felt a (bad) feeling. it was getting late anyway so we headed back shortly after,but not before i carved my mark.

i remember a sign saying "a bridge of two worlds." i still have no clue what that means or if it even means anything. 

entry 4: pondering

to engage with death. have a handshake with it. the act would rid our greatest fear,wouldnt it? uncertainty. some major religions do provide us with answers, through words of mouth and passing scriptures,but it teaches us to fear it. fear the possibility of eternal torment when death shuts our empty eyes. fear the possibility of carrying too heavy of a sin thatll send you tumbling down heavens stairway. punished like sisyphus in rigor mortis,the boulder will floor us if its merciful.

but even zeus, a god,doesnt know of mercy.

possibility. whether we'll enter heaven or hell, we're still uncertain,and we fear it. fear becomes devotion. devotion...

doesnt sound like much of an answer.

entry 3: finds

 

a dying stump in its last efforts to grow into something bigger than its beheadedness,rooting and branching into a wooden throne for a forest king. the baby flowers blooming and the old vines crawling become evidence that hes been sitting there for possibly quite awhile.

i found this structure on an alternative route to my home. as of now,ive counted roughly....7 possible routes i could take.it took me a year to finish mapping it out, mostly because i was distracted with other adventures and accidentally stumbled across routes that led me back. 3 was what i stuck with, the rest's purely coincidental. still,i keep them all in my back pocket along with my trusty compass.

a deer (or, remains of it) curled and comforting itself even in demise,a preys instincts. hiding in the bushes, i wonder if it was aware of doomsday. circling it were smaller bones that only God knows where they were from and which animal/s were sacrificed. if animal at all. 

this one, was found near a burial ground.i remember walking the perimeter of a graffiti covered building before finding these tombstones out back, inviting me for a prayer.bushes surrounded them rather than overgrow them like even Earth didn't dare touch death. 

the bones were placed meticulously, thats for sure. it wasnt natural, this person engages with death. to defy it? to bargain with it?im not too sure. but it creeps me out lol.

Why do the birds go on singing?

Why do the stars glow above?

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

Don't          know       the                     world

Don't          know       the  end

Don't          know 

                                     the end

entry 2: lazy day

i came over to Gabriels. eeeh, it was a little unprompted,i kind of abused his spare house key (used for EMERGENCIES) but after about three years, his moms utterly unphased to my many random entrances lol. sweet lady she is,still offering food or goes out of her way to make treats for the intruder. well,another son in her eyes. she made chocolate chip cookies today,my favorite :) she says she likes me around for this exact reason hahah, since she hardly has the chance to bake 'cause Gabs has the opposite of a sweet tooth. i remember getting him plain bread for his 15th birthday and it being suuuuper anti-climactic. this guy...

after having a couple delightful bites and thanking her,promising a taste tester for her next baking ventures, i made my way to Gabriel's bedroom. the house wasnt like, millionaire big, but it was big enough to give my legs its hike.

the whole time i walked up to the second floor, i swayed my head along to a distant waltz,notes dancing a cabeceo with the spirit of 1945. there was only one guy i know that can revive the classics with his musical hands, so i immediately knew it was him. posture hunchbacked and spine breaking but plays like a God. i sat next to him for a while as i watched a private concert for the pianists own ears,before he started playing songs that i could sing along to. Frank Sinatra, NKC... but we had so much fun with Billy Joel's Piano Man. i practically belted that chorus, but of course, his piano was louder, much sweeter.cant overthrow a king in his domain!

he had been working on learning an undertale song for me (hopes and dreams. still one of the best soundtracks out there) but he wont show me until hes perfected it.what a perfectionist. kiddingkidding

we then lazed around in his bedroom,even though he insisted that we play chess.i hateeeee playing chess with him!!!! it would just give him another ego boost.that might be my skill issue though, its not entirely his fault, oh but he knows that hes good llllol. so, we ended up watching my favorite movies together and he taught me a few things about shots... the dutch angle, some camera movements (dolly-ing?)... quite the hardcore cinephile,you can ask him for movie reccs, but looks like hes been doing his own research.

i told him that he should be a director or something and that he could compose music for his films. he told me hes already dead set on becoming a priest,nothing can shake his faith hahah. 

movies, movies, movies... a reflection of ourselves. all your likes and dislikes in a movie comes back to your interpertation. so when they say, your life is a movie, they arent entirely wrong.how would you interpret your situation?

entry 1: ruins

ive scoured through a few sylvan trails by the oakwood area, and let me tell you, it was quite painful.my soles sunk into a damp slurry of dirt for every step of the way and i could feel the pearly droplets tapping lightly, but persistently, atop of my hood from the leaves dripping above. elms.sugarberries. and looots of sycamore compared to the meadow i visited a week ago.it got annoying after three drops or four (guess who would not survive chinese water torture), id much rather it rain heavier, because then id have an excuse for sleeping in all day. im kidding. i put myself through this willingly, afterall,the weather was partly curious with the perfect amount of chill.i just had to go out today, alright? allllll-right (no you are all left)

some dirt paths were completelyyy tucked by wild grass, i had to carve a few marks/pointers on my own when they seem to end, make my own way when none were visible.if you see a circle with a huge x on a trunk, that was probably me. hey. following a couple of taller trees and thicker branches that led south, i found a ruined structure. a large chunk of the bricks bitten into by nature herself, the bare wall slightly lopsided now, the rest of the blocky crumbs strewn about and halfway swallowed by the ground. a small arch, with overgrown leaves birthed on its surface, stood intact despite the surrounding ruin. not my first type of find, but this one in particular had a mossy staircase that of course, takes you seemingly nowhere. unless its some kind of fae trap, which im tempted to test.maybe another day. 

someone had walked these stairs atleast once, you know. a prince muttering his last vows before going down for battle, the knight and the princess in their escapade for love, a wanderers resting place when home is lost.theyve gotten lost to time.

im just one among many.im a little bit late, though.

but maybe this is why i do it. to acknowledge whats left and whats past that no one else will remember, because everyones busy looking ahead. striving for a big, briiight future i can imagine. i should probably do the same thing. start planning, start studying, what i want to be and what i want to do. but i dont even know myself well enough to start making decisions. i dont even understand this world yet. how will i know whats good for me? 

nono, i know what to do. i know what i have to do. what im expected to be.

but maybe this is why i do it. maybe this is all ive got.

You would know that, wouldn't you?

Where the Holy Trinity brings salvation, they bring di so rd e r in their path. The observers treat it as faith, as their God.

There are three.

The dead, they might as well be blind, hands roaming and feet thrashing in every direction to find that they are touching nothing. The living searches, reaches, then grasps at their own skin once they find what they were looking for. There should only be one observer, one who carries endless helplessness in chivalry to honor the human nature.

Except, having ears to see and eyes to hear, that is why this entry exists.

A theopany through my blue lights, you will receive this message. Unseal this with a skim from your eyes. I know what you are expecting. It is not him, and north is not the path to go by. This page has no use for you. This testament had already failed. 

I cannot reach you. 

… Hm.

Direction: None.

Distance: Undefined.

Location: theemptinesswillhauntyou

You arrived too early at the

                                                     END.

Location: theemptinesswillhauntyou

Distance: Undefined.

Direction: None.

… Hm.

I cannot reach you. 

A theopany through my blue lights, you will receive this message. Unseal this with a skim from your eyes. I know what you are expecting, you travelled all the way down here. It is not him, and north is not your path to go by. This page has no use for you. This testament had already failed. But not for you.

Except, having ears to see and eyes to hear, that is why this entry exists.

The dead, they might as well be blind, hands roaming and feet thrashing in every direction to find that they are touching nothing. The living searches, reaches, then grasps at their own skin once they find what they were looking for. There should be an observer, one who carries endless helplessness in chivalry to honor the human nature.

There are three.

Where the Holy Trinity brings salvation, they bring di so rd e r in their path. The observers treat it as faith, as martyrdom.

                                                                       help me                     

                                  that, wouldn't you                          ? 

                                                                    save yourself                      

You                know

        would 

                      want 

                                 that,

                                         to entertain

                                     our

                          su

                       f

                           f

                       er 

                             i

                     n

                   

            g